“Some people are mashers. Don’t be a masher.” At first, I thought it was the weirdest advice I’d ever heard. After months of riding though, I not only get it, but I see the truth of it in so many areas of life, especially in relationships.

What’s a “masher” you ask? In the world of cycling, a masher is a rider who mashes down on the pedal with one leg and allows it to shove the opposite leg back up. The pedals go round and round on the force of the quadriceps alone; in riders who are left or right leg dominant, the pedals may go round and round on the strength of one quadriceps alone with the other leg doing very little work. Needless to say, a masher is not a very efficient rider. It’s difficult to go very far or very hard working on just one muscle group.

What’s the more efficient way to ride?

Push. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.

As one leg pushes down with the quadricep, the other leg pulls back up (like scraping gum from the bottom of your shoe) engaging the hamstrings. Back and forth, push and pull, engaging multiple muscle groups on both legs. The push-pull rider gets stronger and goes farther and faster than the masher.

What’s any of that have to do with relationships?

In a relationship, you can be a masher, a freeloader, or a push-puller. Odds are, if you reflect on enough of your relationships, you may see that you are all three depending on the relationship.

Let’s look at it biblically.

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up – that’s a masher; someone who’s doing all or the majority of the work in the relationship. Just like the cyclist who only engages the quads, the masher tires over time or experiences injury due to overuse, and the relationship never goes anywhere significant because its inefficiently managed.

Sweet friends, I’ll be honest, I’ve been a masher in relationships before – doing all the work, exhausting and even damaging myself mentally or emotionally from the strain of carrying the relationship on my own. Maybe you have a friendship, work partnership, or romantic relationship where you can recognize that you’re a masher too?

What’s a person to do when that bicycle built for two just isn’t going anywhere?

Look to the word, the word, the word.

As shared in Ecclesiastes, the person who works alone falls and has no one to help them. What we learn from the cycling analogy is that the masher falls because the other person – the hamstrings of the relationship – isn’t engaged or isn’t strong enough (due to the quad doing all the work for so long). That’s right fellow mashers – it’s entirely possible that we fall sometimes in relationships because we never give our friend, partner, spouse – whoever represents the metaphorical hamstring – the opportunity to work and grow in the relationship. When the time comes to help us, when we’re worn out from the controlling and/or people pleasing, they aren’t strong enough or engaged enough to pull up because we (the quads) have taken the lead for so long.

Ouch. Anyone else’s toes feeling a little mashed? Just mine?

Nah, yours too I’m betting.

Dear heart, if we want an efficiency to our relationships, if we want the Ecclesiastical promise that two get better return on their work, two stay warm when the winters of life come, two help each other when one falls or needs defending, then we have to learn to be push-pullers. We have to surrender unhealthy tendencies to control everything or to constantly please the other person. We have to work with our friend, work partner, child, spouse, parent to help them become strong push-pullers as well. It is only when we work together that the pedals of our bicycle built for two will go smoothly round and round.

How do we do that? Especially if we’ve been the controller or pleaser for a long time and our “hamstrings” are disengaged or weak from disuse?

We look back to the word and check out the last line in Ecclesiastes 4:12:

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Let’s stick with our bike analogy and look at the cord of three strands as a bicycle chain.

You guessed it – God.

How do we learn to become push-pullers and allow other people to become push-pullers so that we share the work of relationships?

We ask God into the relationship. We speak His truth with love and grace to ourselves and to those with whom we interact.

Want a better marriage?

• Ask God to help you and spouse be better push-pullers.

Want a better child/parent relationship?

• Ask God to help you and your child/parent be better push-pullers.

Want a better work partnership, friendship, neighbor-to-neighbor relationship?

• You know the answer – ask God to make you both push-pullers.

Fellow masher, beloved friend, we don’t have to wear ourselves out in our relationships. We don’t have to be in control because God is in control. We don’t have to constantly please because God says we are enough. It’s long past time to ask God into our relationships, to allow Him to teach us and those we have relationships with how to work together, to gain a better return for our work, to be a source of shared warmth and defense – to stop mashing and start pedaling smoothly.

Push. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.